All Things Considered

Whether it was because I was younger and was ignorant enough to truly believe this world and that world were separate, or whether I was the same asshole then as I am now, it never even once crossed my mind that "Cloud" should adhere to the same rules I did.  At the time, the Internet and the real world were two entirely separate places.  In my head, "Cloud" being with "Angel" was entirely acceptable. I wasn't old enough to know what that next level of romance meant, but I was definitely old enough to be interested.  All of the things I never had the courage or capability to do in the real world, Cloud was more than capable of doing.  Dating, going out, cuddling, making out.  Done entirely through words on a screen, sure.  But still important enough for me to recognize.  I didn't ask for Angel's real name and she didn't ask for mine. It was taboo to acknowledge the real world, and even more so to actively ask about it.  Oh and if you'r...

II.  Sarah/AngelEyes There were two things that people who role-played wanted to do.  Fight other people, and fuck.  Teenagers  (and any other creepers who managed to deceive and hide their true identities) were given a blank canvas to host our very own day-time television drama every day.  But for me, the best part about all of this was none of it had to affect your real world once you stepped away from the keyboard. Or so I thought. I eventually met a girl from my cousin's group who went by the name of AngelEyes.  Long story short, I never really got to know her too well.  Those chat rooms were very much like the school setting I'd known back in PA.  We were all just trying to fit in, and often times things came down to playing a massive roundabout game of copycat.  Being "with" someone is just something we all did.

Fast forward to my 5th grade year, specifically the summer time.  By now, my father had left PA, and Chelsea and I had relocated to live with my mother.  She and my step father (a man I'll always consider a true second and real father) had decided that between Chelsea and I, they and a still growing family (I'd eventually get two more sisters) needed a bigger home that could accommodate.  I won't get into why he left (or even how I felt about it) now, but what's important to know is that I used to spend summers in Louisiana with my dad and his southern family. During that summer in LA, my cousin introduced me to AOL, specifically AOL role-playing chat rooms.  The concept was simple enough. There were places I could go on the Internet where total strangers could speak with one another. But not just any old conversation. These rooms were meant to be used by people who had created some kind of character. This drew in the fantasy-world lover in me, and the not ...

I don't have regrets. I firmly believe that for something to truly be a regret, you must willingly and actively do something to address the situation.  If the totality of said situation is only that you "wish you'd done things differently", then it's a mistake, not a regret. I'm saddened by how things ended with Meg and I, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. But let's go back a bit.  Not too far, but let's rewind a few months to a critical moment in my life.  At the time I wouldn't recognize its importance, and yet it would be the beginning foundation of events that would come to shape the very blueprint that makes me, Me. I grew up playing a lot of video games. As a very young kid, that came primarily in the form of the SNES.  Even before the accident, I loved gaming. I would play any and every game I could get my hands on. I never got bored of immersing myself in different realities and environments, I actively sought to escape the...

So here's the dynamic.  Megan and I are in like 5th grade by now.  We've been together longer than any other couples I knew around us, and yet here I am trapped in that "next step limbo".  Whether it was a lack of courage or whatever, it was starting to become brutally obvious that our relationship was not growing as it was expected to be. One of her new friends, a guy I became painfully aware of, was Jason.  Whether it was just childish jealousy or natural instinct, I never liked him.  For all I knew, they might have very well just been friends.  But I saw the way he made her smile.  I had claimed that smile, it was mine to behold. I don't remember how specifically it all ended.  Maybe it was just us growing apart, maybe it was my inability to take our romance to the next level, maybe it was my jealousy of Jason or maybe it was just the fact that what should have just been best friends was cultivated and groomed into dating by family and soci...

We stayed together for a long while. God, I wish we could have just stayed kids together forever.  But alas, this is reality, and people grow. We grow and so do the expectations around us. I couldn't even raise the courage to hold her hand, man.  Anything physical, I was just so terrified it would go wrong or I would do it wrong or I'd be an idiot.  Near the 3rd grade or so, I think that's when I started to notice couples around us had begun to get physically closer. Be it a slow dance at school stuff or even making out behind the bleachers, they were all things I'd convinced myself I couldn't do right. I thought at the time that my chair prevented me from being in that kind of relationship (and maybe I was right).  Looking back now, I imagine Megan wanted me to take that next step in our relationship. And part of me really wanted to.  I genuinely loved being around her.  She was absolutely gorgeous and most importantly she made me feel wanted. But I ne...